Hi Reader,

Earlier this year, there was a much-needed overhaul of my website, and in the process, a bunch of old (but really good) articles were taken down. Over the next few months, I'll be sharing a few of them with you.

Today's is about Desire Smuggling, a term I coined in 2014 to describe all the things we do in the face of the vulnerability of wanting. If you like it, please let me know and please pass it on.

But first, a few updates!

1. Next week, I'll be headed to the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, to teach a sexy kinky workshop on Power, Surrender and Choice with Dr. Betty Martin. This one is full, but we'll be back February 15-19 to do it again. It's not yet up on the Esalen website, but should be soon.
2. Then next weekend, Betty and I are off to teach and frolic at Dark Odyssey: Thornwood. It's not too late to join us.
3. Finally, if you are interested in learning the Wheel of Consent in a professional context, there are still a handful of openings for Like A Pro in San Diego in November (but they are going fast!). There's also Montreal and online, so snag your spot soon.

The Naked Truth About Desire Smuggling

The world is not friendly to our desires.

In over two decades of relationship coaching and sex ed, I’ve talked with thousands of people about why they don’t ask for what they want. Reasons include: not knowing what to want, not having the language to ask, and “why rock the boat when it’s good enough?”

But by and large, the main reason we don’t ask for what we want is fear. Fear of rejection, humiliation, and judgment. Fear of disappointment, shame, loss, or guilt. Fear of repeating the past, missing out, hurting your partner, or feeling like a failure. Fear of “what they will think,” not getting what you want, or putting too much at stake.

Fear rules our desires.

You know to be afraid of these things because you’ve experienced them. The look of disdain on some adult’s face when you expressed curiosity about masturbation. Being laughed at for your youthful eagerness and enthusiasm. Hearing someone say “Ewww” after you shared a vulnerable truth. Watching helplessly as a friend got judged for wanting something that seemed just a little “outside the box”

Seeing people’s hearts be torn apart on reality TV, and their imperfections shredded to bits on the internet.

The world is hostile to the sweet, fumbling, imperfect nature of desire.

And so, to cope, we hide our desires from ourselves and from the people we love. And in the process, we become desire smugglers.

We do it to stay safe. And we do it in a million ways.

Desire smuggling is a reasonable response to a toxic environment of shame and judgment.

At the same time, desire is powerful. Even in the face of fear, rejection, guilt, loss… we want what we want. And through better or worse means, we will try to get it.

Desire smuggling is something that we all do. The stakes are high around what you truly want, and being direct can seem outright terrifying in the face of these (often well-justified) fears.

But what does it look like?

How to Spot Desire Smuggling

When I teach about smuggling desire, a class of 20 people can easily come up with 50-80 examples of ways we try to get what we want when we think it’s not available. Some are harmless but ineffective. Some undermine our relationships to the people we love or with ourselves. Others are truly toxic or antisocial. But every single one of us has endlessly creative techniques of smuggling desire. It’s part of the human condition.

This is because desire is persistent and will not be denied. No matter what’s going on, we will always want to do, be, have and feel things.

When it doesn’t feel safe to want what you want, you will try to get it anyway.

This is just a small sample of what your Desire Smuggling might look like:

Expect telepathy * Make wishes * Fake spontaneity * Get drunk/high to remove inhibitions * Hint + hope * Ask if the other person wants the thing you want * Rationalize cost/benefit * Withdraw emotionally * Give statistics about the thing * Send links to podcasts about the thing * Say “people like…” (instead of owning it yourself) * Try to convince the other person that’s it’s a good idea * Try to get the other person to say it * Complain that you don’t have it * Be “nice” and hope to be rewarded * Make unspoken deals (“I’ll do this, then they’ll owe me”) * Issue ultimatums * Engage in emotional blackmail * Tack on an obligation to a “gift” * Minimize it by saying “just” or “only” * Guilt-trip the other person * Be passive-aggressive * Blame the other person for not giving it to you * Want the other person to guess it for it to “count” * Wait for the “right time” * Wait for a sign * Buy into a romance myth (“If you really loved me…”) * Assume they should “just know” * Withhold affection or information * Force the other person to do it * Be loud and bombastic * Punish your partner for not giving it to you * Attack/judge someone asking for what you want * Attack/judge someone getting what you want * Look for other, less-scary places to get it * Shame yourself for having that desire * Shame others with the same desire * Avoid it altogether * Make sugar-coated demands * Play options roulette * Settle for something else * Compromise * Martyr yourself in hopes of getting it * Substitute something else * Bully * Criticize after the fact * Spiritually bypass (“it’s not holy to want that”)

Whew.

If that feels like a lot, it's because it is. We're all — each and every one of us — up against a lot. And we all find our own very human ways to cope.

(My personal favorite go-to? Options roulette, where I give three options, and one is the one I secretly hope the other person picks. What's yours?)

Looking at this list, it’s easy to criticize, blame or shame yourself (or the other people in your life) for doing these things. After all, some of them are pretty shitty behavior, and others are just not terribly effective for getting what you want. But...

Desire smuggling is a clue.

When you catch yourself (or someone you love) smuggling desire, the last thing you want to do is to criticize. Instead, consider it an invitation to compassion and recognize two things:

1. These behaviors are a totally sane and rational response to an environment where desire is discounted, rejected, ridiculed, shamed and otherwise devalued.
2. Desire smuggling is a clue that there’s something you want.

When you catch this clue, then you can do something more effective with your desire. You can get curious about what fears are there. You can ask for what you want. You can bring it into your relationships. You can share with a community of trust where your desire will be celebrated. You can explore it safely. You can apologize for not being straightforward and find new ways of creating connection with the people you love.

You also can get curious about the people in your life. What are they up against? What are they afraid of? How can you make it safer for their desire to be present? What is it they want, underneath all that smuggling?

When it’s safe to have desire, you no longer have to smuggle it. And that benefits not just you, but everyone around you.

What's your favorite way to Desire Smuggle? And what makes it safer for you to communicate clearly what you want?

That's all for today! If you liked this, please share with someone who might appreciate it.

Warmly,
xxMarcia